im moving soon.
im so nervious......and im moving in with complete strangers it feels like. i know its totally the wrong thing to do but i live spontaniously i dont care if the outcome is awful. i wish more people did that. for instance taylor. i just wish that she would tell her parents that were together. and that she is madly in love with me (i know she isn't but im trying to make it sound more than it really is) if she would just say it with passion and maybe tell them how good i treat her they would understand. i just want to see her all the time. band her parents are making it alot harder than it should be. who cares if she is 16 and im turning 20. in 6 years she will me 22 and i'll be 26 and thats normal for soceiety today.
i feel like yelling and just ugh! im getting so fustraited over EVERYTHING. today at work i cut my hand twice and i flipped out. it didnt hurt i was just mad at how carless i was! and taylor!! omg! were should i start my ranting. lets think back like 2 months ago. no lets think back a month ago even. she would text me right when she wakes up and in her first hour and sometimes in second even tho her teacher had taken her hone away a couple of times already, and during lunch and usually i would be swamped and i wouldn't text back and i would talk to her around 4 and then we would usually IM the most of the day and i would later go to bed and like around 11 at night she would call me and she wouldn't let me go to bed till like 12:30 or 1.....and sometimes yes i didnt like it because i needed some sleep or i was with friend and couldn't talk but i still loved that she thinks about me.
PRESENT DAY:
unless i text her like 2 or 3 times she doesn't say shit. and i dont bother calling because she doesn't answer anymore. im going to try and explain what i think is going on. i kow it wont be accurate but still. im like second on her list of things that are important to her. and i dont know what she is doing anymore. she is trying less. maybe not even trying at all. im not the only one that thinks that this is a little messed up. she is hanged. like boring. but not in an insult kind of way she is just quiet. doesn't say anything. why is she doing this!? how do i get things to go back to normal? someone needs to please help me!
i want the taylor back that loves me.....or where i thought she loves me...but now i think she just doesn't care. i fucking love her to death and she knows that i would try to do anything for her. now why cant i get a little colateral back.
she doesn't know but she is loosing me this way. and i dont know how to stop it.
i love you tay
Monday, December 29, 2008
fallon *short story*
WARNING....WARNING...WARNING. The flashing pulsed through the dark ship every other second. Bang....BANG *intercom* "we've been hit hard, and we've lost one engine and life support is crashing!" why are we being hit? we haven't done anything wrong. CRASH! Clark stumbles in front of me. "captian what the hell is going on!?!".....oh......now i know why.
5 DAYS AGO:
were leaving earth again. my name is captian jack fallon, and i am a transporter when i am doing well (money wise) and when things are tight i am a mercenary. my crew and i try to just do jobs on earth or mars but that dam russian president is making it harder and harder every month to get into crimson station on mars so we are having to venture out...almost to relm 7 which only a man with balls dares to go out there because of the pirate over population.
"captian fallon?" i turn around. "are you captian fallon? i heard that you can transport. i have the money and i need to get to zarah city within 5 days. can you get me there pl"
"are you done asking 21 questions?" i rudely interrupt. "whats your name?"
"oh sorry ma my name is clark.....clark plano. but you ca can call me clark" he stutters.
"uhh clark was it?" i say knowing that in about 30 minutes i would forget his name. "why do you need to get to zarah?"
"oh uhh...business....i have business there" says clark
"were fueled up and we have food for the week cap" tiffany yells across the market. tiffany....what can i say she is a ship whiz and she is only 19. sometimes i think where i would be without her...then again i think where i wouldn't be with her always getting me and my crew into trouble.
"ok get everybody ready. so chris you can come along aslong as you have 20,000 credits. thats the cheapest flight you can get around here in sanford station." i say as im walking away knowing that he is already walking up the ship ramp.
"i'll pay that....umm my name is is clark by th th the way." he says
"where are your bags? your only bringing the leather case?" i curiously ask. he clenches the brief case as if im going to take it from him right were he is standing. a sad looking man, he reminds me of an accountant that has lost his marbles. wearing a brownish suit that he has worn it for far too many years. a lame excuse for a mustashe, about 5'9 145, just an average man. to tell you the truth the briefcase looks more interesting than he does. he has a seceret i know it and i would bet my ship that its in that suitcase and it has something to do with zarah. ah man what i get myself into over money
"ya this is all i have with me" he says
5 DAYS AGO:
were leaving earth again. my name is captian jack fallon, and i am a transporter when i am doing well (money wise) and when things are tight i am a mercenary. my crew and i try to just do jobs on earth or mars but that dam russian president is making it harder and harder every month to get into crimson station on mars so we are having to venture out...almost to relm 7 which only a man with balls dares to go out there because of the pirate over population.
"captian fallon?" i turn around. "are you captian fallon? i heard that you can transport. i have the money and i need to get to zarah city within 5 days. can you get me there pl"
"are you done asking 21 questions?" i rudely interrupt. "whats your name?"
"oh sorry ma my name is clark.....clark plano. but you ca can call me clark" he stutters.
"uhh clark was it?" i say knowing that in about 30 minutes i would forget his name. "why do you need to get to zarah?"
"oh uhh...business....i have business there" says clark
"were fueled up and we have food for the week cap" tiffany yells across the market. tiffany....what can i say she is a ship whiz and she is only 19. sometimes i think where i would be without her...then again i think where i wouldn't be with her always getting me and my crew into trouble.
"ok get everybody ready. so chris you can come along aslong as you have 20,000 credits. thats the cheapest flight you can get around here in sanford station." i say as im walking away knowing that he is already walking up the ship ramp.
"i'll pay that....umm my name is is clark by th th the way." he says
"where are your bags? your only bringing the leather case?" i curiously ask. he clenches the brief case as if im going to take it from him right were he is standing. a sad looking man, he reminds me of an accountant that has lost his marbles. wearing a brownish suit that he has worn it for far too many years. a lame excuse for a mustashe, about 5'9 145, just an average man. to tell you the truth the briefcase looks more interesting than he does. he has a seceret i know it and i would bet my ship that its in that suitcase and it has something to do with zarah. ah man what i get myself into over money
"ya this is all i have with me" he says
Saturday, December 13, 2008
recap of the past week
oh man i dont even know where to start or where i had left off.
ok i know.
so taylor decided to stop talking to me for a whole day!!! it may seem like a stupid deal to some people "oh who cares its just a day grow up" but it was killing me!!! i texted her like 4 or 5 times not to seem desperate but when she doesn't talk to me it just makes me miss her so much more. so then when she called me that night she said she is trying to help me.....didnt work...i was super miserable.
so then after her telling me to move on and go find someone else i ignore her. i cant do it. i get a call from laura saying that she wanted to hang out. i told her no.....i just simply wasn't interested......im interested into no one except taylor, her conversations are something else i tell you. the way she kisses.... oh man i melt everytime i touch her lips. and when she jumps on me and when we usually have our legs intertwined like liquorice and feeling her soft skin makes me the happiest man on earth. so im doing my apartment work and i go to school to register and i actually didnt have taylor on my mind all too much and then i get a text.
"i miss you" WHHHHHYYYY!!!!!!!! i knew this was going to happen. so many rushes of emotions are going through my mind. im sad because im happy and im mad because i knew that this was going to happen.....but all i wanted to do is be with her again and love her unconditionally....is that too much to ask?
ok so other news. I GOT THE APARTMENT!!!! im so freaking happy!!! its a 2 bedroom 2 bath 1067 sq ft second floor apt. the place is so nice!!! huge pool heated! big game room, big entertainment room with big flat screen tv! so nice. gated community.
other news. today is saturday now and so many good things and som TERRIBLE things happened today.
so...
its the company christmas party.......and in the morning i was supposed to be mad at taylor but when i got off the phone with her (like usual) i forget what i was even mad about but i still acted like i was (im sorry tay) then she sent me this real cute christmas card she made (i dont know if she made it for me or not but it looked really good) i loved it. so the rest of the day i didnt do much except get the present for the white elephant gift exchange at the party. so i go to the party at 5:30 and its so much fun there i thought it was going to be awkward but it wasn't we played games and i got alot of gifts. and then tay called and i kind of answered but i was in the middle of a game so i didnt really understand what she said. i felt bad. so then she said she was going to starbucks......(oh ya if your reading this a little heads up it gets ugly) so i tried to get out of the party i had to make a big excuse and everything so im going down the road 95 miles an hour in blistering winds and i forgot my glasses and its night out and i get a text saying "im home" OMG! i was so angry!!! i called her and immediatly blamed her "WHAT THE FUCK TAYLOR!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HAD TO FUCKING DO TO GET OUT OF THE PARTY!! BLAH BLAH BLAH" {woah dude you just made the worst mistake of your life}
taylor" thats it im breaking up with you"
josh "fine"
taylor "bye"
click
josh "bye!"
josh "hello?"
wth out even listening to her explination (which was that her and her sister sydney's friend troy was picking them up and going to starbucks his girlfriend was there so they had to leave) i blamed her and i was so angry because i was so looking forward to hugging and kissing her and that it couldn't even happen that when she said that we were breaking up i didnt put 2 and 2 together. let me tell you i had never begged and plead and appologized so much in my life
call
no answer
call
no answer
i wanted to break down and cry. i tried but i was yelling at myself for being so stupid!!! i told myself that i would only try to make her happy and what did i end up doing? i made her break up with me and hate me.
long story short i overdrafted my account and bought her flowers and candy to give to her which she never got because she is at home. and after talking with her she didnt break up with me. i still feel terrible for what i did. i didnt mean to blame you i just spoke out too fast.....and i am sorry for getting angry with your friend troy.
i love her. she has changed me so much and its for the better too.
ok i know.
so taylor decided to stop talking to me for a whole day!!! it may seem like a stupid deal to some people "oh who cares its just a day grow up" but it was killing me!!! i texted her like 4 or 5 times not to seem desperate but when she doesn't talk to me it just makes me miss her so much more. so then when she called me that night she said she is trying to help me.....didnt work...i was super miserable.
so then after her telling me to move on and go find someone else i ignore her. i cant do it. i get a call from laura saying that she wanted to hang out. i told her no.....i just simply wasn't interested......im interested into no one except taylor, her conversations are something else i tell you. the way she kisses.... oh man i melt everytime i touch her lips. and when she jumps on me and when we usually have our legs intertwined like liquorice and feeling her soft skin makes me the happiest man on earth. so im doing my apartment work and i go to school to register and i actually didnt have taylor on my mind all too much and then i get a text.
"i miss you" WHHHHHYYYY!!!!!!!! i knew this was going to happen. so many rushes of emotions are going through my mind. im sad because im happy and im mad because i knew that this was going to happen.....but all i wanted to do is be with her again and love her unconditionally....is that too much to ask?
ok so other news. I GOT THE APARTMENT!!!! im so freaking happy!!! its a 2 bedroom 2 bath 1067 sq ft second floor apt. the place is so nice!!! huge pool heated! big game room, big entertainment room with big flat screen tv! so nice. gated community.
other news. today is saturday now and so many good things and som TERRIBLE things happened today.
so...
its the company christmas party.......and in the morning i was supposed to be mad at taylor but when i got off the phone with her (like usual) i forget what i was even mad about but i still acted like i was (im sorry tay) then she sent me this real cute christmas card she made (i dont know if she made it for me or not but it looked really good) i loved it. so the rest of the day i didnt do much except get the present for the white elephant gift exchange at the party. so i go to the party at 5:30 and its so much fun there i thought it was going to be awkward but it wasn't we played games and i got alot of gifts. and then tay called and i kind of answered but i was in the middle of a game so i didnt really understand what she said. i felt bad. so then she said she was going to starbucks......(oh ya if your reading this a little heads up it gets ugly) so i tried to get out of the party i had to make a big excuse and everything so im going down the road 95 miles an hour in blistering winds and i forgot my glasses and its night out and i get a text saying "im home" OMG! i was so angry!!! i called her and immediatly blamed her "WHAT THE FUCK TAYLOR!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HAD TO FUCKING DO TO GET OUT OF THE PARTY!! BLAH BLAH BLAH" {woah dude you just made the worst mistake of your life}
taylor" thats it im breaking up with you"
josh "fine"
taylor "bye"
click
josh "bye!"
josh "hello?"
wth out even listening to her explination (which was that her and her sister sydney's friend troy was picking them up and going to starbucks his girlfriend was there so they had to leave) i blamed her and i was so angry because i was so looking forward to hugging and kissing her and that it couldn't even happen that when she said that we were breaking up i didnt put 2 and 2 together. let me tell you i had never begged and plead and appologized so much in my life
call
no answer
call
no answer
i wanted to break down and cry. i tried but i was yelling at myself for being so stupid!!! i told myself that i would only try to make her happy and what did i end up doing? i made her break up with me and hate me.
long story short i overdrafted my account and bought her flowers and candy to give to her which she never got because she is at home. and after talking with her she didnt break up with me. i still feel terrible for what i did. i didnt mean to blame you i just spoke out too fast.....and i am sorry for getting angry with your friend troy.
i love her. she has changed me so much and its for the better too.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
those words
...i've picked up and moved on....those dreadful words no one ever wishes to hear in ever in there lives. why cant i? what must i do to feel as happy as she is feeling now? its only been 2 days.......2 days and she has already moved on........i know there wasn't another guy.......i trust her....but why am i taking this far more worse than it already is? i've picked up and moved on.....now i question myself on how happy did i actually make her. i did everything in my power to make her happy. i would of givin her the world. i was going back to school for her.....i was moving into casa grande for her.....i cancled my plans......for her. i am jealous........i am jealous not in a way that guys flirt with her....or the friends she has......im jealous of what i cant give her that someone out there has.
i know what im affraid of....i figured it out last night while i was staring upon the eeg shell ceilings in my room, noticing the smoke make ocean wave like movments untill they stagnate. i am affraid that after i move on and maybe find someone new she will want me back. am i supossed to always be waiting on her clock? hmm.....i need to know the right choice. i dont want to feel this hurt anymore. who do i blame? taylor? duran? myself? i should blame myself.
duran. from what i know about him he is a great guy, working for a good cause...and is in love with a great woman....the same woman i had fallen for over and over again. i hate him.......i shouldn't hate him, i knownothing about him but fine details. why do i hate him? he isn't even dating her.....i dont even know what he looks like but i have dreams about him taking taylor away and there is nothing i can do. maybe i hate the idea of him. im jealous that he is better than me.
enough venting. atleast writing this down is making me sleep a little better. untill tomorrow
self indulgence
i know what im affraid of....i figured it out last night while i was staring upon the eeg shell ceilings in my room, noticing the smoke make ocean wave like movments untill they stagnate. i am affraid that after i move on and maybe find someone new she will want me back. am i supossed to always be waiting on her clock? hmm.....i need to know the right choice. i dont want to feel this hurt anymore. who do i blame? taylor? duran? myself? i should blame myself.
duran. from what i know about him he is a great guy, working for a good cause...and is in love with a great woman....the same woman i had fallen for over and over again. i hate him.......i shouldn't hate him, i knownothing about him but fine details. why do i hate him? he isn't even dating her.....i dont even know what he looks like but i have dreams about him taking taylor away and there is nothing i can do. maybe i hate the idea of him. im jealous that he is better than me.
enough venting. atleast writing this down is making me sleep a little better. untill tomorrow
self indulgence
i have an appartment
but im still not happy. i spoiled myself and i hed gotten the best appartment in casa grande. but im miserable. why do i hurt this much? and why doesn't she? did she even love me after all these months? was she just playing me?
she has texted me and called me 75% less then she used to. sometimes i will stare at me phone for endless minutes wishing she would tell me something i want to here. "i love you and im sorry" but we both know that wont happen.
im not suicidal never had been but i just want to sleep till i dont feel this anymore.
self indulgence
she has texted me and called me 75% less then she used to. sometimes i will stare at me phone for endless minutes wishing she would tell me something i want to here. "i love you and im sorry" but we both know that wont happen.
im not suicidal never had been but i just want to sleep till i dont feel this anymore.
self indulgence
Saturday, December 6, 2008
why do i listen to my conciouce
it always leads me into trouble. first i shouldn't of listened to my uncle, the only reason i told him is that i thought he would be happy for me for finding the woman of my dreams (no joke tay is pretty perfect with a FEW minor flaws but thats for another time) but no he is a manipulator and for 2 hours he had me convinced that taylor wasn't good for me and im doubting myself. it doesn't know anything about me and taylor because he doesn't know taylor the way i do.
ok back to my stupid conciouse i decide to listen to it one more time!! that was the STUPIDEST things i had ever done. i told taylor what my uncle said........i had just opened pandora's box!! why!!! whay did i do this!!! right then things changed.....i can hear her falling out of love with me....she isn't as amused as much to the things i say...she rarely texts me now......she doesn't even say she loves me.
its breaking my heart!! i never wanted this. we have only been broken up not even a whole day and i feel a part of me dying because i know that she wont come back to me. all i ever wanted to do was to mak her happy and i failed miserably.
i.......i love her.................i love tay thats the 4th millionth time i've said that and thats also the 4th millionth time i've meant it.
im sorry i had ever hurt you taylor.....i wish you would come back. =(
ok back to my stupid conciouse i decide to listen to it one more time!! that was the STUPIDEST things i had ever done. i told taylor what my uncle said........i had just opened pandora's box!! why!!! whay did i do this!!! right then things changed.....i can hear her falling out of love with me....she isn't as amused as much to the things i say...she rarely texts me now......she doesn't even say she loves me.
its breaking my heart!! i never wanted this. we have only been broken up not even a whole day and i feel a part of me dying because i know that she wont come back to me. all i ever wanted to do was to mak her happy and i failed miserably.
i.......i love her.................i love tay thats the 4th millionth time i've said that and thats also the 4th millionth time i've meant it.
im sorry i had ever hurt you taylor.....i wish you would come back. =(
Friday, December 5, 2008
i think i need this.
i dont have anyone to talk to. *sigh* adriel would crack a joke. my dad is always working. my girlfriend is wanting to break up with me. so maybe if there was somebody to talk to it would make me feel better. so maybe i need this. maybe its a start pretending myself that someone would actually read this.
im like in a mood of depression and happieness mixed together like yellow and black paint (not meant to be mixed) i dont know what im feeling. i just want to be loved, i want to people to pay more attention to me. anyways
i have to get to work, i'll probably write in this when i get back because i have a feeling that i might get addicted.....i hope i do.
self indulgence
im like in a mood of depression and happieness mixed together like yellow and black paint (not meant to be mixed) i dont know what im feeling. i just want to be loved, i want to people to pay more attention to me. anyways
i have to get to work, i'll probably write in this when i get back because i have a feeling that i might get addicted.....i hope i do.
self indulgence
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