lost

i dont know what to do with her. i get all these mixed feelings. she tells me she loves me but how much. and she tells me to not sweat the small things......the small things. does this sound small? i try so hard to see taylor......i moved into casa grande for her.....i went to school for her....literally for her. i didnt want to move to casa grande i wanted to move back to washington and get a job with my uncle that pays really well and where i could get my own house because of forclosure. they were like $20,000 for a 3 bed room 2 bath....yes i even looked into it. but taylor was holding me back and i didnt want to loose her. im leterally doing everything for her and she doesn't see that......and if she doesn't she sure in hell doesn't appretiate it. anyways lost train of thought....

ok i got it. so im at school and i haven't seen taylor in like 2 weeks so we came up with a way to see each other during the begining of 4th hour. so this last thursday i met her down stairs....oh man she was so beautiful walkind down she had black face paint around her eyes because it was super hero day, her green pantyhose brought her legs which i love so much and i could even see the shine of the lip gloss on her lips which i would taste later on. she was beautiful. i was happy to see her. we walked to machalors class and she topped by and hugged one of her friends and then we walked some more and then that one guy came up and gave her the hug.....you know that hug with both hands and you graze necks and its definitly more than a friend hug. i passed it off. im not a jealous guy and i dont care if taylor has friends that are guys. but this gets worse. so there talking and laughing a little and i try to get in there conversation but they seriously must of thought i was a ghost because they hadn't looked at me the whole time. so then he touches her which was a sign of flirting and she says "well i have to get to machalors" he says "alright" and he goesn in for a kiss while she is going in for a hug. so he hugs her and then he tries to kiss her......an open mouth kiss that i saw with my own eyes everything went into slow motion, there faces so close together her pulling away and my heart beating faster........faster.....faster...faster.faster. i was filling upp with rage. but she pulled awa right as i grabbed her. iwas in shock i didnt know what to even think. wtf

i told her "what the fuck was that taylor?!?!" and she said "he likes me and he tried to kiss me."
i say "what the fuck!!!" she said it went to far i gave him a friendly peck yesterday and it went to far."

right then at that exact precise moment i had lost trust in her. i didnt do it on pourpose it had just fled and i pondered if she had done this before. was it on the cheek? the mouth? was she flirting with him? how far? does she flirt with every guy? if i hadn't of seen her that day would she of kissed him back? does she not talk about me to her guy friends?

why?

why am i with her?

im literally in heartache everytime i go to bed.
how come i love her so much and i dont get the appretiation i deserve?
she says she is trying harder to see me when everyday im seeing less and less improvement.

i dont have any answers.

i deserve to be loved as much as i love that certian person. as much as i have done for taylor you would think that she would atleast make a little white lie to come see me or ask her sister for a ride to see me but no she says she doesn't want to drive her sister into this. I FUCKING MOVED INTO THIS PIECE OF SHIT CITY FOR HER AND ALL I GET IS I DONT WANT TO DRAG MY SISTER INTO THIS!!!

so what do i do?
do i wait? and see her monday through friday for 2 minutes every day during 4th hour and pretend to myself that i am going to see her on the weekend every day every weekend everymonth every year untill she is 18?

or do i leave and hope that there is somone out there who loves me for who i am what i do and who i will become. who will fallow me if my home burns down and all i have is that clothes on my back. im sure there is a girl out there. taylor would be that girl but not now probably not every when she says we wont be together for much longer.

she told me that she talks to duran more than she talks to me. that she doesn't love him she loves the idea of him. i dont know what that means at all. all i know is that if he were here i wouldn't be in her world at all....she knows that. and then she comes up with the nerve to compare her "friendship" with duran and gina. she doesn't knw that gina is a lesbian and that i rarely talk to her. she doesn't know that i had cut half of my friends that are girls out of my life for because i with her. i dont flirt and i had never cheated on her. yes i have had unpure thoughts but thats all they were and then i came to my senses that i love taylor so much and i carry on with my day.

she cant do that tho.

i read her blog and now she is going on double dates and holding hands with another guy. maybe they kissed maybe they didnt. but i dont care.......my heart has been broken too many times to care.

i am turning emotionless again. just like the time when i found out time after time that griselda had been cheating on me and the things i did for her......i can feel it now...no tears....no sorrow....no fear....no pain.....pain such a familiar feeling.

no one cares what i feel tho.


self indulgence