im an asshole. i told chance that i didnt want to hang out with him and his girlfriend becuase i dont like her (different story when we were at a party), and i literally yelled at adriel because he walked into my house with out knocking at all, i yelled at him right in front of his girlfriend and i hate her too. she is seriously phsyco status. i should call adriel and apologies.
and i am just idk annoyed with taylor right now. she hasn't learned anything. yes i want her really bad i want to kiss her and hold her and have sex with her and all that stuff but she is with david which i dont care that she is with him thats fine. i think the only reason i kissed her was for payback for what he did to me. that and i lost self control because tay and i had a very serious history and i loved her.
would i go back out with taylor lehman?.......idk. she treated me bad, she treated me like a servant and i gave her everything. she would probably cheat on me numerous times and tell me its no big deal.
but then on the other hand when im with her in her personal space i fall into a tranquill state and im happy around her.
she hasn't changed.
i gotta call adriel.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
FINALLY!!!
oh ya i got my tattoo finally!!!! it took almost a year of waiting but now i have it now i just have to wait another year for its color. lol jk no my tattoo artist brian said that he is going to use my art work and put it on the fylers and art board at the tuscon tattoo convention this april 11th and 12th so he said that he has to get it done by then. i cant believe i have it.
oh ya taylor and i are starting to talk again. just talk. i wont do anything as long as she is still with david. i still believe cheating is NOT ALLOWED. and i am proud of her that she has changed and cared about her significant other even tho its not me.
self indulgence
oh ya taylor and i are starting to talk again. just talk. i wont do anything as long as she is still with david. i still believe cheating is NOT ALLOWED. and i am proud of her that she has changed and cared about her significant other even tho its not me.
self indulgence
Monday, February 23, 2009
stupid law and school
omg im freaking stupid.
i think i just put my graduation in jeopardy....again.
so i accidently sent an message to a student that wasn't for him in the first place and the teacher called the cops and the principle and they said that they were going to expell me and i could go to jail for harrassment because im 19.
i talked them out of expelling me and i still could go to jail if the fucking kid wants to press charges. so im just getting suspended for a while. but fuck i hope i can still graduate.
i think i just put my graduation in jeopardy....again.
so i accidently sent an message to a student that wasn't for him in the first place and the teacher called the cops and the principle and they said that they were going to expell me and i could go to jail for harrassment because im 19.
i talked them out of expelling me and i still could go to jail if the fucking kid wants to press charges. so im just getting suspended for a while. but fuck i hope i can still graduate.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
...
how could she do this to me!
im more heartbroken than i ever was.
my life is ruined.
i would kill duran, davey, andrew, andyone that got in the way.
she says that there is someone that she can imagine spending the rest of her life with.
she doesn't fuckin know how i feel.
no one NO ONE will ever love her as much as i do. duran wont even come a fraction close. the things i would do for her and she is done.
im more heartbroken than i ever was.
my life is ruined.
i would kill duran, davey, andrew, andyone that got in the way.
she says that there is someone that she can imagine spending the rest of her life with.
she doesn't fuckin know how i feel.
no one NO ONE will ever love her as much as i do. duran wont even come a fraction close. the things i would do for her and she is done.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
the love of my life should know
i just did the worst thing ever. i feel like dying. i probably will intentionally do some serious physical pain to myself to break this emotional heart ache. i did this for her. she said she didnt know if she wanted to be with me. i only do these things to make her happy. i have never loved anything, anyone as much as i love her and now she is gone. she was my world. my everything and now i cant keep these tears from falling from my eyes.
my roommate just walked in a laughed at me i dont care.
i did everything for her. kim and sydney did this to us. they both hate me which made our relationship hard to control. and when sydney says things like you should break up with josh that kills me inside. why did i do this!
so like a creep i drove to starbucks. i saw them leave i missed them. i so sorry talor......i want to be with you! i cant live with out you. i dont deserve to be alive......so.....i should do something about it. i would do anything for taylor, i have! i would kill for her....i would die for her.
taylor i know you hate thinking about the future but i wanted to marry you so badly! i wanted to adopt a child with you and have a home in the suburbs and an apartment in the city! i longed to do bills with you and sit at home watching tv on a lazy sunday afternoon. i wanted to grow old with you. and i know thats what you dont want to hear but its the way i have always felt ever since i had fallen in love with you.
my roommate just walked in a laughed at me i dont care.
i did everything for her. kim and sydney did this to us. they both hate me which made our relationship hard to control. and when sydney says things like you should break up with josh that kills me inside. why did i do this!
so like a creep i drove to starbucks. i saw them leave i missed them. i so sorry talor......i want to be with you! i cant live with out you. i dont deserve to be alive......so.....i should do something about it. i would do anything for taylor, i have! i would kill for her....i would die for her.
taylor i know you hate thinking about the future but i wanted to marry you so badly! i wanted to adopt a child with you and have a home in the suburbs and an apartment in the city! i longed to do bills with you and sit at home watching tv on a lazy sunday afternoon. i wanted to grow old with you. and i know thats what you dont want to hear but its the way i have always felt ever since i had fallen in love with you.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
my dream
i had a dream about taylor last night. it was a 2 part dream.
the first part she was wanting to break up with me and pretty much the whole world was on my side but it was weird they were mad at me for like being with her and even tho she was leaving
ME and i love her to death everyone still punished me. i didnt get it. so anyways back to the dream
the second part her dad and them are driving away in a greyish escalade and its pouring like you wouldn't believe and they are in like an empty parking lot and i just happened to be there and im miserable because we had been broken up for like a week....i needed to do something now because they were leaving and probably never coming back.......i need to do something now.......come on josh you would do anything for her now's the time......BAM i take off straight shot to the car and even tho the car is about a block in front of me and going about 15 mph i am running as fast as i can in this cold hard rain and finally i run to the car and i slam on mr. lehmans window and tell him to stop. he stops and i run to the other side of the car to taylors window and she rolls the window down and says "josh! what the hell are you doing out here your going to get namonia!"
and i said something that woke me up feeling strong......feeling like it was the right choice of words. i said to her. "taylor where ever you go......who ever you are with just remember no one NO ONE tay will love you as much as i love you.....no one will come close. where ever you go i will follow you because i know we are supposed to be toghether. my heart does not beat to keep me alive it beats for one purpose and thats to make you happy. i love you taylor and i dont care who objects or who hates me for it.....i love you."
i woke up, and felt like i had a mission.
i mean those words taylor and i will live by them everyday!
i love you
the first part she was wanting to break up with me and pretty much the whole world was on my side but it was weird they were mad at me for like being with her and even tho she was leaving
ME and i love her to death everyone still punished me. i didnt get it. so anyways back to the dream
the second part her dad and them are driving away in a greyish escalade and its pouring like you wouldn't believe and they are in like an empty parking lot and i just happened to be there and im miserable because we had been broken up for like a week....i needed to do something now because they were leaving and probably never coming back.......i need to do something now.......come on josh you would do anything for her now's the time......BAM i take off straight shot to the car and even tho the car is about a block in front of me and going about 15 mph i am running as fast as i can in this cold hard rain and finally i run to the car and i slam on mr. lehmans window and tell him to stop. he stops and i run to the other side of the car to taylors window and she rolls the window down and says "josh! what the hell are you doing out here your going to get namonia!"
and i said something that woke me up feeling strong......feeling like it was the right choice of words. i said to her. "taylor where ever you go......who ever you are with just remember no one NO ONE tay will love you as much as i love you.....no one will come close. where ever you go i will follow you because i know we are supposed to be toghether. my heart does not beat to keep me alive it beats for one purpose and thats to make you happy. i love you taylor and i dont care who objects or who hates me for it.....i love you."
i woke up, and felt like i had a mission.
i mean those words taylor and i will live by them everyday!
i love you
Sunday, January 11, 2009
lost
i dont know what to do with her. i get all these mixed feelings. she tells me she loves me but how much. and she tells me to not sweat the small things......the small things. does this sound small? i try so hard to see taylor......i moved into casa grande for her.....i went to school for her....literally for her. i didnt want to move to casa grande i wanted to move back to washington and get a job with my uncle that pays really well and where i could get my own house because of forclosure. they were like $20,000 for a 3 bed room 2 bath....yes i even looked into it. but taylor was holding me back and i didnt want to loose her. im leterally doing everything for her and she doesn't see that......and if she doesn't she sure in hell doesn't appretiate it. anyways lost train of thought....
ok i got it. so im at school and i haven't seen taylor in like 2 weeks so we came up with a way to see each other during the begining of 4th hour. so this last thursday i met her down stairs....oh man she was so beautiful walkind down she had black face paint around her eyes because it was super hero day, her green pantyhose brought her legs which i love so much and i could even see the shine of the lip gloss on her lips which i would taste later on. she was beautiful. i was happy to see her. we walked to machalors class and she topped by and hugged one of her friends and then we walked some more and then that one guy came up and gave her the hug.....you know that hug with both hands and you graze necks and its definitly more than a friend hug. i passed it off. im not a jealous guy and i dont care if taylor has friends that are guys. but this gets worse. so there talking and laughing a little and i try to get in there conversation but they seriously must of thought i was a ghost because they hadn't looked at me the whole time. so then he touches her which was a sign of flirting and she says "well i have to get to machalors" he says "alright" and he goesn in for a kiss while she is going in for a hug. so he hugs her and then he tries to kiss her......an open mouth kiss that i saw with my own eyes everything went into slow motion, there faces so close together her pulling away and my heart beating faster........faster.....faster...faster.faster. i was filling upp with rage. but she pulled awa right as i grabbed her. iwas in shock i didnt know what to even think. wtf
i told her "what the fuck was that taylor?!?!" and she said "he likes me and he tried to kiss me."
i say "what the fuck!!!" she said it went to far i gave him a friendly peck yesterday and it went to far."
right then at that exact precise moment i had lost trust in her. i didnt do it on pourpose it had just fled and i pondered if she had done this before. was it on the cheek? the mouth? was she flirting with him? how far? does she flirt with every guy? if i hadn't of seen her that day would she of kissed him back? does she not talk about me to her guy friends?
why?
why am i with her?
im literally in heartache everytime i go to bed.
how come i love her so much and i dont get the appretiation i deserve?
she says she is trying harder to see me when everyday im seeing less and less improvement.
i dont have any answers.
i deserve to be loved as much as i love that certian person. as much as i have done for taylor you would think that she would atleast make a little white lie to come see me or ask her sister for a ride to see me but no she says she doesn't want to drive her sister into this. I FUCKING MOVED INTO THIS PIECE OF SHIT CITY FOR HER AND ALL I GET IS I DONT WANT TO DRAG MY SISTER INTO THIS!!!
so what do i do?
do i wait? and see her monday through friday for 2 minutes every day during 4th hour and pretend to myself that i am going to see her on the weekend every day every weekend everymonth every year untill she is 18?
or do i leave and hope that there is somone out there who loves me for who i am what i do and who i will become. who will fallow me if my home burns down and all i have is that clothes on my back. im sure there is a girl out there. taylor would be that girl but not now probably not every when she says we wont be together for much longer.
she told me that she talks to duran more than she talks to me. that she doesn't love him she loves the idea of him. i dont know what that means at all. all i know is that if he were here i wouldn't be in her world at all....she knows that. and then she comes up with the nerve to compare her "friendship" with duran and gina. she doesn't knw that gina is a lesbian and that i rarely talk to her. she doesn't know that i had cut half of my friends that are girls out of my life for because i with her. i dont flirt and i had never cheated on her. yes i have had unpure thoughts but thats all they were and then i came to my senses that i love taylor so much and i carry on with my day.
she cant do that tho.
i read her blog and now she is going on double dates and holding hands with another guy. maybe they kissed maybe they didnt. but i dont care.......my heart has been broken too many times to care.
i am turning emotionless again. just like the time when i found out time after time that griselda had been cheating on me and the things i did for her......i can feel it now...no tears....no sorrow....no fear....no pain.....pain such a familiar feeling.
no one cares what i feel tho.
self indulgence
ok i got it. so im at school and i haven't seen taylor in like 2 weeks so we came up with a way to see each other during the begining of 4th hour. so this last thursday i met her down stairs....oh man she was so beautiful walkind down she had black face paint around her eyes because it was super hero day, her green pantyhose brought her legs which i love so much and i could even see the shine of the lip gloss on her lips which i would taste later on. she was beautiful. i was happy to see her. we walked to machalors class and she topped by and hugged one of her friends and then we walked some more and then that one guy came up and gave her the hug.....you know that hug with both hands and you graze necks and its definitly more than a friend hug. i passed it off. im not a jealous guy and i dont care if taylor has friends that are guys. but this gets worse. so there talking and laughing a little and i try to get in there conversation but they seriously must of thought i was a ghost because they hadn't looked at me the whole time. so then he touches her which was a sign of flirting and she says "well i have to get to machalors" he says "alright" and he goesn in for a kiss while she is going in for a hug. so he hugs her and then he tries to kiss her......an open mouth kiss that i saw with my own eyes everything went into slow motion, there faces so close together her pulling away and my heart beating faster........faster.....faster...faster.faster. i was filling upp with rage. but she pulled awa right as i grabbed her. iwas in shock i didnt know what to even think. wtf
i told her "what the fuck was that taylor?!?!" and she said "he likes me and he tried to kiss me."
i say "what the fuck!!!" she said it went to far i gave him a friendly peck yesterday and it went to far."
right then at that exact precise moment i had lost trust in her. i didnt do it on pourpose it had just fled and i pondered if she had done this before. was it on the cheek? the mouth? was she flirting with him? how far? does she flirt with every guy? if i hadn't of seen her that day would she of kissed him back? does she not talk about me to her guy friends?
why?
why am i with her?
im literally in heartache everytime i go to bed.
how come i love her so much and i dont get the appretiation i deserve?
she says she is trying harder to see me when everyday im seeing less and less improvement.
i dont have any answers.
i deserve to be loved as much as i love that certian person. as much as i have done for taylor you would think that she would atleast make a little white lie to come see me or ask her sister for a ride to see me but no she says she doesn't want to drive her sister into this. I FUCKING MOVED INTO THIS PIECE OF SHIT CITY FOR HER AND ALL I GET IS I DONT WANT TO DRAG MY SISTER INTO THIS!!!
so what do i do?
do i wait? and see her monday through friday for 2 minutes every day during 4th hour and pretend to myself that i am going to see her on the weekend every day every weekend everymonth every year untill she is 18?
or do i leave and hope that there is somone out there who loves me for who i am what i do and who i will become. who will fallow me if my home burns down and all i have is that clothes on my back. im sure there is a girl out there. taylor would be that girl but not now probably not every when she says we wont be together for much longer.
she told me that she talks to duran more than she talks to me. that she doesn't love him she loves the idea of him. i dont know what that means at all. all i know is that if he were here i wouldn't be in her world at all....she knows that. and then she comes up with the nerve to compare her "friendship" with duran and gina. she doesn't knw that gina is a lesbian and that i rarely talk to her. she doesn't know that i had cut half of my friends that are girls out of my life for because i with her. i dont flirt and i had never cheated on her. yes i have had unpure thoughts but thats all they were and then i came to my senses that i love taylor so much and i carry on with my day.
she cant do that tho.
i read her blog and now she is going on double dates and holding hands with another guy. maybe they kissed maybe they didnt. but i dont care.......my heart has been broken too many times to care.
i am turning emotionless again. just like the time when i found out time after time that griselda had been cheating on me and the things i did for her......i can feel it now...no tears....no sorrow....no fear....no pain.....pain such a familiar feeling.
no one cares what i feel tho.
self indulgence
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